Cabeze De Vaca• Show poetry

Cabeza De Vaca!

                      Presidential Candidate '08

                 "A troubled man for troubled times!"

如果岩石, 紙, 剪刀是生活方式。我會是灰鼠。

I Have Undeniable Proof Girls Are Evil!

1.  Every guy knows that girls take time and money.

     Girls = Time x Money

2.  And we have all been told that time is money.

     Time = Money

     Therefore...

     Girls = Money x Money = Money^2

3.  And Money is the root of all evil.

     Money = Evil^.5

     Therefore:

     Girls = (Evil^.5)^2

     From which we can all conclude that

     Girls = Evil

There, it's science.

DISCLAIMER:
 You are now entering a world you cannot escape.
The Doors will shut behind you as you enter.
Until your very senses fail your every effort.
You are about to enter...
The Cabeza Zone
Dun Dun Dun...


Name: Andrew George Bernau II
Nickname: Bernie; Bernmeister; The Bernmanator; Bern-Out; The Bernster; Blarm-bloo; Andy (Only if you have recieved permission to call me that!); Ned, the Zombie Hunter; Shorty; Andy-roo; and Solid Snake
Birthday: April 17th, 1990
Religion: Born-Again Pastafarian
Marital Status: Currently going on dates until the right person comes along. If you're interested on going out, give me a call. We'll catch a movie or something.
Age: 18
Sex: Please
Nationality: Drunken
Occupation: Homeless, Guitarist, Ukulele-ist, Flutest, Kazooist, Ninja, Proffesional Zombie Hunter, Movie Whore, Proffesional Zombie Brain Whore, Pop Culture Junkie, Active Supporter of the Legalization of Marijuana, Political Debate Whore, Theatrical Ninja Sensai
Appearance: 5'8" of German stock. German / Native American facial structure.

While I'm not homeless, I'm also a volunteer actor for the Shoreline Players Community Theater. Over the years I have been active in theater I have performed in 29 productions. I can supply anyone with a full list if an interest presents itself.

It's been a while since I've updated this section, so here I am - updating. I have recently completed the script for my first full length play "Child Support" (Number 28 on my production involvment count). It's a tale of friends, struggling to maintain their friendship in the face of an unplanned and uncertain pregnancy. This farce stars four characters and is a laugh a minute tug on the heart strings. Soon I will be directing the show "Stop the Presses... or She's Not My Type!" (Number 29 on my production involvment count!). This is a melodrama set in the 1880s, and has quite possibly the most rediculous dialgue a young man such as myself can ever dream. We're going to have a live drummer doing rim-shots, it'll be awesome!

While in a sober state of life, Andrew enjoys long walks at, or in the general vicinity of, the beach; contemplating existance; writing songs; and generally making a complete fool out of himself. His interests include zombies, girls, the occasional zombie girl, rubber ducks, maybe zombie rubber ducks, and pork... zombie pork

HOW TO MAKE YOUR VERY OWN CABEZA DE VACA!!!

You'll Need:
Oxygen........Iron........Copper.........Manganese
Carbon........Fluoride....Alluminum......Iodine
Hydrogen......Zinc........Cadmium........Gold
Nitrogen......Silicon.....Boron..........Nickel
Clacium.......Zirconium...Barium.........Molybdenum
Phosphorous...Rubidium....Arsentic.......Titanium
Sulfur........Stronium....Vanadium.......Tellurium
Clorine.......Bromine.....Tin............Antimony
Sodium........Lead........Mercury........Lithium
Magnesium.....Niobium.....Selenium.......Chromium
Cesium........Cobalt......Silver.........Uranium
Beryllium.....Radium......Child's Soul...Turtle

WARNING: THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS MATERIALS THAT HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO CAUSE CANCER AND CERTAIN BIRTH DEFECTS.

Directions:
Stir one part oxygen and two parts hydrogen until you have a clear, liguidous substance. After that, stir in Mercury until it is light and frothy. Place all remaining noble gasses in a bowl and mix lightly. Be sure not to damage the gas.
Combine the noble gasses with your liquidous material in a blender and blend for twenty seconds on high rotation. Stir in remaining ingrediants.

We understand souls of small children are hard to come across. So, as opposed to finding one yourself, you may be able to replace it with local composite souls found at any Chinese Resturaunt.

Bake in over at 98 degrees for nine months. Once the body has taken shape test it with a toothpick. If you cannot poke the surface you have reached perfection. If surface is broken with toothpick, throw out ingrediants, you have just failed.

Once removed from the oven, add turtle.

Are you a Theatrical Ninja?

     Well, you have to ask yourself.  Have I been trained in the performing arts?  Have I been challenged to an act off by someone who ended up getting the theatrical ass kicking of the century?  If you said yes to any of these two questions, you might have what it takes to graduate from Sensai Cabeza De Vaca's Theatrical Ninja Training!

Rank One:

    Ant  -  those who were once of the rank Grasshopper, but defied the will of the Sensai.  Ants are put on a temorary probationary period until they can impress the Sensai, or bribe him.

Rank Two:

    Grasshopper  -  Basic level student.  Grasshoppers enjoy the benefit of basic level training.  Blocking, movement, accents, etc.

Rank Three:

    Flying Gecko  -  The Flying Gecko has passed beyond the normal abilities of the Grasshopper.  Training for Flying Geckos include: emotion, reaction, interaction, etc.

Rank Four:

    Screaming Lama  -  Advanced Student.  A Screaming Lama is an example of a seasoned, yet not completely natural actor.  Screaming Lamas are taught more complex actions of Blocking, movement, and action.

Rank Five:

    Balemic Bumblebee  -  Honorary title for those caught between Screaming Lama and Rabid Rabbit Foot.  Balemic Bumblebees go through rigorous training with their fellow cast mates until ever action creates a new mood for the scene.

Rank Six:

    Rabid Rabbit Foot  -  Seasoned Veteran.  Rabid Rabbit Feet are normally actors who have completed years of productions, with very few exceptions.  A Rabid Rabbit Foot can make any line sound and feel natural.  Training includes Advanced Character Developement, Impersonations of Human and Animal, Script Abstract Meaning and Social Message.

Rank Seven:

    Totempole Toad  -  Honorary title above Rabid Rabbit Foot.  A Totempole Toad is turned to for help in almost every production a theater puts on.  Totempole Toad is not a rank bestowed upon a pupil by the Sensai.  It is instead bestowed upon the pupil when they have reached a point of renown within a theater that that theater has problems functioning without them.

Rank Eight:

    Stanley, the Stoner Stegasaurous  -  Rank of Perfect Character Developement.  Students who have reached the rank of Stanley are some of the best in the business.  These pupils can become a character within days, and no matter what their age, can be believed to be older or younger depending on their charcter.  Those in the rank of Stanley are masters of movement, character, action & reaction, and accents.

Rank Nine:

    Pouncing Puma  -  Pouncing Puma has three stages: Tie-Die Belt, Shuffling Seabreeze Belt, and Purple Belt.  Tie-Die Belts are sub-Sensais with the uncanny ability of insiring non-students into certain reactions on stage.  Shuffling Seabreeze Belts are also sub-Sensais, but have reached a point in their theatrical knowledge that not even directors will dare to give them direction.  Students of this rank are in danger of staying this rank for years unless given proper training.  Purple Belts are either Sensais of a different Theatrical Ninja Training Squad, or are given the title to show that they could have been a Sensai if they were put through Theatrical Ninja Training.

Rank Ten:

    Sensai  -  Sensais can only betow this rank upon their students after they have surpassed the original master's abilities.  This is the pinnacle of Theatrical Ninja Training.  Sensais are given the honor of training pupils through this perfect acting method.

Rank Nive and a Half

    Honorary Sensai  -  This title is one bestowed by the original Sensai after a council meeting of the Highest Intellectual Acting Minds of the Country... the original Sensai and a group of stuffed animals over imaginary tea. It is a title of respect and admiration, and is given to those who the Sensai deems fit to teach in his absense.

Special Shout Out to My AP Family!

Gossamer Guile!
My Bestest Besty Sister - There are few people in this world that I can say I respect, this person is hands down one of them. She is an amazingly talented actress, a truly angelic singer, and overall - truly one of the kindest people I have ever met in my entire life. Give her a shout, or just drop by her profile and take a look at her poetry, she's amazing.
Theater Ninja Rank: Honorary Sensai

Fantessa!
My favoritest Aunt - I have only had the privalege of working with this young actress once in my entire life, but I assure you she does not disapoint. Once on stage she just has this aura that shines off of her and grabs the audience, pulling them into the show. She has one of the strongest personalities and wills I have seen, and will keep on trucking even when faced with my over-opinionated nature. Definately, one of my best friends.
Theater Ninja Rank: Balemic Bumblebee

The Shim!
My Imaginary Friend of One Year - I didn't really get to know this dude until we're were locked in a minimum security classroom together for an entire semester. But, as soon as me and this guy started chilling, the laughs never stopped. We build off of each other, we inspire some fo the most random crap, we've even developed a cult following at our school. If I had to pick one person to be stuck with on an island for the rest of time, it would be Jessica Alba, but he would be a close second.
Theater Ninja Rank: Balemic Bumblebee

Lord Judgment!
The Newest Addition to My Family, a New Brother - This is the Puck, not the hockey puck that you beat with sticks, but the Midsummer Night's Dream Puck... which subsiquently you could beat with sticks, I just wouldn't recommend it. But anyway, he's awesome, give him a shout out!
Theater Ninja Rank: Grasshopper

(\ /)
(O.o) This is Mr.Bunny Please Paste him on your page in order to help
(>"<) Him with his mission to DOMINATE the world!!!
/_|_\

我認為我是, 因此我是... 我認為。
Ich denke, daß ich bin, folglich ich... ich denke bin
Σκέφτομαι ότι είμαι, επομένως είμαι... Σκέφτομαι
Penso che sia, quindi sono... io penso
私は従って私が... 私考えるであることを私があることを考える、
그런 까닭에 나가... 나 생각한다 이다 것 을 나가 이다 것 을 나는 생각한다,
Eu penso que eu sou, conseqüentemente eu sou... mim penso
Я думаю я, поэтому я буду... мной думаю
Pienso que soy, por lo tanto soy... yo pienso
I think I am, therefore I am...I think