Bluemorvinity• Show poetry

I have been a cutter for 6 years now. I can't stop. Sometimes I go for monthes with out doing it, but I always end up with a blade in my hands again. It's part of who I am. I've always thought about death a lot and decided many times I didn't want to live. I've overdosed 3 times and tied a cord around my neck last time. I've always had so much stress and no one understands me. Every one i'm with treats me badly. I'm still cutting a little, but only when I really need it. I know pain and if I have to cut to get to the next day then I will. I'm not strong. May God have mercy on my soul.
I was in love and engaged for almost 3 years and one day he told me he wasn't in love with me any more. He was an absolute jerk to me anyways. He tortured my mind and my heart. But he was the first person I ever loved, so he's important.
I was scared to love again till I met and married someone June 17, 2005. Still to this day it is the happiest moment of my life. Eloping is the biggest most intense rush of love that spreads through you like a wild fire...at least with him that's how it was. We were so madly in love. I remember his expressions and his tears when we stared in each other's eyes that day. I was married and at peace, even if if didn't last like that forever. We were together almost a year and separated for 3 monthes and back together for another 4 monthes.
On December 25,2005, I had a miscarriage.
On December 18, 2006 I found my husband dead. I had left him the day before and it turned him crazy with rage and pain. He had tied the air conditioner cord around his neck so tight it killed him. I was worried about him so I went to go check on him and I borrowed the key from the manager and unlocked both the locks. I had to slam into the door, because the couch was blocking the door. I saw him and called to him until I saw the cord. I ran to him screaming his name and I turned him from being on his side and rushed to get the cord off. His eyes cracked, lips so puffy and purple, his flesh exposed and discolored from where the cord had been. He had his arms crossed like he was waiting for his last breath. I picture his face every day even when my eyes aren't closed. I had only made love to him a couple days before and he was gone. We woke up together in bed the day before. He means more to me than words can say.
I also loved another(long story), but he only wanted me when I was married. I was with him when I was separated from my husband during the 3 months. He stabbed me in the back just as every one else has. He begged me to leave my husband a week before my husband died, because myy husband frightened me so. I was so tired of the fighting and the pain, so I was going to go back to him. Now he doesn't want any thing to do with me, which hurts so bad too. He talked to me twice a couple days after my husband died and I never heard from him again.
Now i'm in love again. I found something ive looked for my whole life. Better than any other relationship. He is my only break from life from the reality that hits me so hard.
PLEASE COMMENT ON ANY OF THE POEMS YOU READ. My poems are my life. Almost all of them tell my story of love and pain. Some I wrote more recent and a some may go back 6 years. They are not in any order.