Ativan• Show poetry

I have been through hell- you- you have no idea how much my life has changed in the past six months. I am an Addict fond of prescription narcotics and Benzo's- hence the name Ativan.
I almost kill myself six months ago and I was hospitalized. That hospital was hell. It was there that I was subjected to abuse but more importantly- I detoxed. One symptom of detox- becoming freezing cold- and I was walking around in jackets- it was burning up outside but I felt cold. I even had the temperature over 100 degrees in my room. It was distressing. Nobody wants to be a drug addict. You see, I have severe mental illnesses- don't we all- but in my case they were so problematic I was put on addicting medicines. It was then that my addiction blossomed into near death. Thus, in the hospital my meds were altered to give me the most affective treatment while avoiding addicting substances.
From there I went to a prestigious facility called PalmMetto. I say this with, as I can acknowledged, pride- this facility was one of the top in the country. Luckily, my parents have been fortunate to have enough financial abundance to get me the help I needed. I stayed in this facility for about four months, and I came into contact with some scary situations and realized things about myself that I would care not to think about. It was an amazing time in my life... Yes, amazing...
The truth is that I love drugs- I love that false sense of happiness it creates. I love the feeling of hope it gives me. I love feeling nothing- feeling nothing at all. Now I must live my life in sobriety. It is important that I never go near drugs again and if I ever do resort back to drugs I have assured myself, as I assure you, I will not make it out alive.
My book deal was hurt because of my rehabilitation and I don't know what will happen... happen to me... I hope things will turn out okay and I don't mean to be gloomy but I want to show, when coming in contact with drugs, just how miserable your life will become. Drugs- alcohol- some people can handle it but I cannot and I wish- I wish- I wish- my life had not turned out this way.
I got kicked out of college, I got assaulted several times, came close to death, got into contact with the "wrong" people, cost hundreds of thousands of dollars...and so much more... let me share some shocking things.
When I was using prescription drugs I became so physically sick I actually got a handicap license so I could park where-ever I want. This may seem a little odd- me being a twenty-year-old male. One time I went to my friend's birthday party and fell asleep in his cake. In continuing, there were other problems as well. For some reason the medicines I was taking interacted with my physical body and I couldn't hold my head straight. I have seen pictures of me where my head is in a 90 degree angel because I couldn't hold it straight. One time I went to a college class and it wasn't until the end that I realized I was in the wrong classroom-it wasn't even the right subject. I would stay in my bed for weeks at a time and I would be to afraid to leave my apartment. I lost one dream job after another and people I came into contact with wanted nothing to do with me. My words would slur to the point of complete incomprehension. My addiction has gotten me kicked out of facilities and distressfully embarrassed. When I detoxed I lost over thirty pounds in one week. This is just a glimpse- a snapshot- into what has been a very disturbing, well, life- if you will. I don't even dare tell you all the awful things that happened but I assure you- drugs- it is not a path you want to go down. It has shown me wisdom but I would gladly trade my entire brain- all my intelligence- just to be, what I shall call, "an average person."
If you have problems with drugs or need to talk- feel free to message me. I am not as big as a jerk as I use to be ! Enjoy my poetry.
contact me by email or yahoo IM chat at: DrRoxicodone@aol.com


I reread my personal page and decided to leave it up but add this. I am 22 now and haven't been to page in ages. This is mostly due to my frequent suicide binges which once left me in the hospital for over 6 months. In the past four months I have spent 50% of that time locked up. I am not new codes being called or straight jackets. There a little different now and rarely use them because it brings the 'old times' of psychiatric back but they are not new to me. Yet, do not pity me, I don't like that and I don't want it. I hope to return to school and I have finally found somebody to help me with my problems.