Asianflower• Show poetry

my name is Caitlin Jin Seon Ruddell
my age is 22 years old
I'm slowly, but surely dying

Behind These Eyes;
I grew up too fast,
I chose to be the person my mother couldn't be
I have memories, but those are starting to fade.

Things change, People Disappoint
I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger
I chose to pass on an offer that would have saved me
...I could of lived without this.
I'm not a child, I'm not a young woman, I'm much more
I chose to let go of myself when I realized,
Life is supposed to be a lot easier
I don't need a hero, I'm not wishing to be saved;
I'm simply waiting for the moment to let go of this.

I know what a broken heart is, & I know how it feels
Love is just an expression of longing and desire
At least the love that most people feel
To actually care about someone so much, that anything,
To make them remotely happy, would please you,
& even to watch them with someone else,
Just the need of them to be safe, alive, and happy,
That is the only kind of real love!!

There's only been a single person, who happens to be a boy,
That I can say that I fully love, and trust, no matter what.
The thought of anything happening to him, let alone losing him,
Keeps me up for hours, sobbing in my sheets
When I'm with him, I want to just soak up the feelings I feel,
& keep them in a jar for when we're apart.
He would be my best friend, my lifeline, whatever
He always will mean the world to me.

I have a need to feel any kind of pain, I like feeling pain
I feel a strange need to inflict any kind of pain upon myself,
To restrain myself from ever hurting anyone else again.
The feelings he had when I walked away, that nearly destroyed me
The common feeling in the world is that pain isn't allowed
But in my life, I welcome pain with open arms, I plead to feel it
I would much rather feel any kind of pain rather than this
Sick, twisted longing, hopefulness that fades away with the sun

Care to explain with words;
Clearly, the tears were flowing
A few harsh words and you were broken
The things I've learned from you,
The countless moments we've shared,
These are priceless things I'll never forget
Few things could ever replace these memories
So let time drift away, enjoy the moments we share
Learn to say no goodbyes

- [Caitlin Ruddell, 2009]

To die would be an adventure;
I know the full extent of death, thank you very much
I have miraculously lived through one accidental attempt
I'm too stubborn to die, but the thought of living without;
It's an unbearable thing I must endear in order to continue
I have felt myself slipping away for a long while now
I know that if I continue to let this progress,
I'm going to slip away for the final time
I'm going to end up in the ground
I'm not ready for that yet