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_+880__________________________ ___************************************************
_++88______________________________**************************************************
_++88_________ ROCK ON______________*******************************************
__+880__________________________ ++_ **********************************************
__+888________________________+8 88_ **********************************************
__++880______________________+88 8__ **********************************************
__++888_____+++88__________+++8_ ___ **********************************************
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"Life is too short for blind hatred - Even for immortals."
~Me
AWESOME QUOTES:
“A rose by any other name would likely be ‘deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation’.”
“The latest survey says that 3 our of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.”
“The trouble with life is that there’s no background music.”
“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”
“I don’t remember being absent-minded.”
“I got lost in thought. It was uncharted territory.”
“I have not lost my mind; it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.”
“If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“It is generally agreed that ‘hello’ is an appropriate greeting, because if you entered a room and said ‘goodbye’, it would confuse a lot of people.”
“What if this were not a hypothetical question?”
“For fast acting relief, try slowing down.”
“Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.”
“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.”
“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”
“If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.”
“In a chemistry lab, never say ‘Oops!’; always say ‘Ahh, interesting…’.”
“Never test the depth of water with both feet.”
“Yoyo: An object occasionally up, but normally down (see also: computer).”
“When someone asks you ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?”
“I can’t make ends meet. However, they do wave to each other.”
“Beware the letter ‘G’. It is the end of everything."
“But the context destroys my argument!”
“I do visit reality, although it’s on a tourist visa.”
“Flying is not inherently dangerous – crashing is.”
“Forecast for tonight: darkness. (right again!)”
“Mathematicians know that if you put a man’s head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good on average.”
“A sphere is really a pointless shape.”
“I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.”
“If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left to build a second one.”
“Normality will be restored as soon as we know what it is.”
“An excessively positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
“In dog years, I’m dead.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
“How come when you mix water and flower together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
“I used to think I was indecisive… but now I’m not so sure…”
“If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.”
“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the molecular level I’m really quite busy.”
________________________________________________________
AWESOME STORIES:
The Best Fairytale EVER
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fuckin think so.
___________________________________________________
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
________________________________________________________
The Frog and Golf
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.
______________________________________________________
WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY SAID ABOUT IDAHOANS:
1. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Idaho.
2. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Idaho.
3. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Idaho.
4. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Idaho.
5. If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Idaho.
6. If you measure distance in hours, you live in Idaho.
7. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Idaho.
8. If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Idaho.
9. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Idaho.
10. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Idaho.
11. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Idaho.
12. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Idaho.
13. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Idaho.
14. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Idaho.
15. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Idaho.
16. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Idaho.
_______________________________________________________
Santa's REAL Letters:
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
________________________________________________________
Please check out my AP family: they are AWESOME!!
Sisters:
live in love (Sandy) - http://allpoetry.com/live%20in%20love
angelofshadows (Marie) - http://allpoetry.com/angelofshadows
-Tesoro- - http://allpoetry.com/-Tesoro-
Brothers:
Zanta Keplicus III (Zach) - http://allpoetry.com/Zanta%20Keplicus%20III
A Common Psychosis (Chris) - http://allpoetry.com/A%20Common%20Psychosis
Demitrious Pious (Kevin) - http://allpoetry.com/Exhumed
If you don't know them, you should. They are the best of the best, as people and poets. Love you all!!!!!
*************************************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************************************
_+880__________________________ ___************************************************
_++88______________________________**************************************************
_++88_________ ROCK ON______________*******************************************
__+880__________________________ ++_ **********************************************
__+888________________________+8 88_ **********************************************
__++880______________________+88 8__ **********************************************
__++888_____+++88__________+++8_ ___ **********************************************
__++8888__+++8880++888___+++88__ ___ **********************************************
__+++8888+++8880++8888__++888___ ___ **********************************************
___++888++8888+++888888++888____ ___ **********************************************
___++88++8888++8888888++888_____ ___ **********************************************
___++++++888888888888888888_____ ___ **********************************************
____++++++88888888888888888_____ ___ **********************************************
____++++++++000888888888888_____ ___ **********************************************
_____+++++++000088888888888_____ ___ **********************************************
______+++++++00088888888888_____ ___ **********************************************
_______+++++++088888888888______ ___ **********************************************
_______+++++++088888888888______ ___ **********************************************
________+++++++8888888888_______ ___ **********************************************
________+++++++0088888888_______ ___ **********************************************
-----------------------------------------------**************************************************************
*************************************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************************************
"Life is too short for blind hatred - Even for immortals."
~Me
AWESOME QUOTES:
“A rose by any other name would likely be ‘deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation’.”
“The latest survey says that 3 our of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.”
“The trouble with life is that there’s no background music.”
“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”
“I don’t remember being absent-minded.”
“I got lost in thought. It was uncharted territory.”
“I have not lost my mind; it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.”
“If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“It is generally agreed that ‘hello’ is an appropriate greeting, because if you entered a room and said ‘goodbye’, it would confuse a lot of people.”
“What if this were not a hypothetical question?”
“For fast acting relief, try slowing down.”
“Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.”
“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.”
“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”
“If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.”
“In a chemistry lab, never say ‘Oops!’; always say ‘Ahh, interesting…’.”
“Never test the depth of water with both feet.”
“Yoyo: An object occasionally up, but normally down (see also: computer).”
“When someone asks you ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?”
“I can’t make ends meet. However, they do wave to each other.”
“Beware the letter ‘G’. It is the end of everything."
“But the context destroys my argument!”
“I do visit reality, although it’s on a tourist visa.”
“Flying is not inherently dangerous – crashing is.”
“Forecast for tonight: darkness. (right again!)”
“Mathematicians know that if you put a man’s head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good on average.”
“A sphere is really a pointless shape.”
“I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.”
“If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left to build a second one.”
“Normality will be restored as soon as we know what it is.”
“An excessively positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
“In dog years, I’m dead.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
“How come when you mix water and flower together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
“I used to think I was indecisive… but now I’m not so sure…”
“If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.”
“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the molecular level I’m really quite busy.”
________________________________________________________
AWESOME STORIES:
The Best Fairytale EVER
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fuckin think so.
___________________________________________________
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
________________________________________________________
The Frog and Golf
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.
______________________________________________________
WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY SAID ABOUT IDAHOANS:
1. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Idaho.
2. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Idaho.
3. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Idaho.
4. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Idaho.
5. If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Idaho.
6. If you measure distance in hours, you live in Idaho.
7. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Idaho.
8. If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Idaho.
9. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Idaho.
10. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Idaho.
11. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Idaho.
12. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Idaho.
13. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Idaho.
14. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Idaho.
15. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Idaho.
16. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Idaho.
_______________________________________________________
Santa's REAL Letters:
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
________________________________________________________
Please check out my AP family: they are AWESOME!!
Sisters:
live in love (Sandy) - http://allpoetry.com/live%20in%20love
angelofshadows (Marie) - http://allpoetry.com/angelofshadows
-Tesoro- - http://allpoetry.com/-Tesoro-
Brothers:
Zanta Keplicus III (Zach) - http://allpoetry.com/Zanta%20Keplicus%20III
A Common Psychosis (Chris) - http://allpoetry.com/A%20Common%20Psychosis
Demitrious Pious (Kevin) - http://allpoetry.com/Exhumed
If you don't know them, you should. They are the best of the best, as people and poets. Love you all!!!!!
- Last seen 7 hours ago. Member since March 28, 2006.
- I'm a malachite opening poet for 401 comments.
- My mood is
, and quote is A fool is a genius with an obstacle. - I am a 17 year old girl from Idaho (United States)
- When I'm not writing, I'm A girl who writes sincere, heartfelt (but apparently emo) poetry.
- I am in the groups A Place For Evanescence Lovers, AP Book Project 2, Burn The Bloody Shoelaces
- I have 401 comments, 8 contests
Poems I'm focused on
-
My head…I can’t think straight
Please don’t do this to me
My Poetry
-
You cannot know happiness without knowing sadness.23 lines, 2 comments, August 14. In Other
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SoulfulBubbles on May 27lol nice profile love the quotes
and funnies -
catie052 on May 22OMG...I am LMAO...thanx for the funnies on your page...especially the letter to and from santa and the toliet cleaning! Great page!
-
Lil-Bit Crazy on May 22your page made me laugh thanks....
-
Leila on May 15Just read your page...some of the quotes and santa things made me laugh so much!! haha xx
